Oddly enough, no one really judges you for using the elevator to get to the lobby from the second floor, but to be fair, you have been working on your fake limp for quite some time. 

Given that the ability to create fire is almost universally considered the sign of an intelligent, sentient race deserving of the basic rights and respect granted to any legitimate civilization, it’s no wonder that on every planet they’ve inhabited, mermaids/men have been wiped the fuck out for their delicious mermeat. 

Okay, this “Jew Rat” shit seriously needs to stop - for the last goddamn time, you’re a motherfucking Jew Vole…ugh, these zoologically ignorant asses, I’m telling you.

Happy St. Patty’s Day! Drink up and drink heartily! More! MORE! Your liver is just being whiny! IGNORE IT! Cirrhosis is totally consistent with the holiday spirit! You’ll have the magical complexion of a walking pot o’ gold!  

People will always say tactless, stupid things - don’t get too down about it…but also try not to get too happy about it either. The chitinous setpaped beings from Gabralaxon Eti IV feed on intense human emotion.

Facebook is threatening to collapse in on itself under the crushing weight of all the obscenely sappy romantic status updates. The atmosphere has become borderline toxic and inhospitable to human life, with noxious fumes from wall-to-wall PDA pollution contaminating most of the breathable air. We must look to the stars; to other social networks not yet sullied by cries of “LOVE YOU SO HARD, BABE” before we all perish.

No one’s saying it yet, but it’s occurred to more than a few people - to think how much it sucks for a nation to spend decades mentally preparing to defend against an apocalyptic crisis involving any one of a plethora of giant ass monsters, dragons, mutants, and/or aliens and then…well…yeah. :/

Hang in there, Japan. We’re rooting for you. 

You’ll think of the word “pantaloon” more frequently than usual over the next few days, and it will never, ever cease to be hilarious.

In light of the latest USC fratastrophe, you can’t help but feel for the individual on which the blame is being pinned. After all, as a sociological anthropologist, you know that what others have decried as misogyny was in fact an expression of profound respect and admiration for women, verbalized as best as possible with the limited frat brocabulary set forth eons ago with the discovery of the Brosetta Stone.

The young are wiser than we think. Particularly striking will be your 8 year old niece’s observation about how “interesting it is” that those 1950’s style hipster glasses, unlike other glasses, somehow manage to make you look mousey/unattractive WITHOUT the benefit of people assuming any modicum of intelligence or sophistication on your part. That, she says, and you look like a fucking asshole.

It was an honest mistake. Just breathe. Hand me the shotgun, go out there, and explain to the nice officer that you left your glasses at home and…well…with that said, HOMBRES does look an awful lot like ZOMBIES.

Perseverance is perhaps the most important of virtues; just because all your previous attempts to fulfill your dream of making an epic video game porn have fallen through, you can still pitch your ideas for Gears of Whore, Analshock, Call of Pooty: Black Cocks, Head Space 2, and Halo: Reach-around. Um, keep Maria vs. Donkey Kock in the vault for now, though.

Yo, tired of not gettin’ whatchu want? You need to reframe the equation, son; quantify yo life. Stop bein’ average and start bein’ mean. Sheeeit - it’s hard out there for a π√-1(m)P.

Confidence is something you’ve got in great supply…I mean, you don’t like to brag or nothin’, but…well, more than a fair share of lady customers have told you that you’re, like, totally the “Edward Cullen” of Salvatore’s Auto Glass Emporium on 5th and La Brea. I mean, no big deal or whatever.

Chin up, friend. Don’t assume that everything others say is true, and certainly don’t take it so personally. They don’t know what they’re talking about. Just do your thing. Remember - you’re only being petty if you steal less than $400 worth of merchandise.